Remember how you felt when your teacher wrote glowing comments on a homework assignment?
But sometimes your teacher wrote suggestions and marked your paper to help you be a better writer — or be better at whatever subject.
I’m not sure if those memories are what inspired this post, but here goes…
Email Marketing Disasters
In keeping with Week 39’s natural disaster theme, let’s talk about how not to write a disastrous email marketing message. (Coincidentally, I had started working on this message before Hurricane Helene hit.)
To support a new client, I offered to attend the Southern Automotive Conference Sept. 30 – Oct. 1 in Chattanooga, TN and assist with his exhibitor booth and networking. As a conference registrant, my email address was shared with other exhibitors who paid an extra sponsorship fee.
I initially received seven email marketing messages.
And every one of them were horribly written.
One was downright personally insulting.
These businesses would have been better off paying for marketing copywriting classes instead.
Over the course of two blog posts, I’m going to quote and comment on portions of each of these seven emails, keeping the instigators of these email “masterlesspieces” anonymous (because this is only about the words, not the person!).I initially received seven email marketing messages.
Ready? OK, let’s take a look at the first four emails…
Email #1: A Problem Email
SUBJECT: What’s your problem? [What’s MY problem?? YOU’RE the one with the problem by insulting me from the get-go by starting off with the insinuation that I’ve got a problem. The only positive about this insulting headline is it has the word “your” in it.]
[Also, there’s no personalized salutation. Apparently it was too much of a problem to watch a tutorial on how to do a mail merge.]
What’s your problem? [There ya go insulting me again.] Yea, [Did you mean “Yeah”?] I’m talking to you Southern Autocon person… [Are you scolding me now and talking down to me? Wow. And “Southern Autocon person” is a bit cold… email marketing “humanoid.”]
My name is [NAME], Managing Partner and Co-Founder of [COMPANY NAME]. [Unless you’re a relative, best friend, world leader, or one of my favorite musicians, I don’t care WHO you are at this point. I only care what you can do for me. Besides, who you are is taken care of in email signatures.]
Hiring is tough, finding the best people is difficult, [Choppy sentence flow. I would at least have an “and” right here] then keeping them is problematic. [You appear to love words with the word “problem” in them.] After all, there is no more important or valuable resource than your employees. [OK, I can agree with that.]
And every company’s situation is different. [To tighten up the writing, put “It could be:” here instead of repeating “could be” in all four bullets].
· Could be your location.
· Could be shift related.
· Could be competition.
· It could be a combination of all these things or things not even mentioned here.
The question is how do you solve the PROBLEM [This is MY problem, right? Because you already told me twice it’s ME that has the problem. Just checkin’.], how do you keep the company PRODUCTIVE? Maybe a bigger question is how do you solve the problem(s) [Sorry —hammering this in again won’t endear you to me.] and keep up with all your other responsibilities?
Visit [COMPANY NAME] at Booth #xx [Why is “booth” capitalized? It’s not a formal name.] right in the middle of the show floor [This sounds like you’ve now created a problem by forcing people to go around you to get to where they need to go.]. We can start a conversation [About my PROBLEM, right?] and see how we can help you with the most pressing human resource issues you may be experiencing.
Also, make sure you drop in a business card for your chance to win a Blackstone Griddle. [Because my current cookware has a PROBLEM, right?]
[Email ends with no thanks, sincerely, etc. It just goes straight to the email signature, which includes the entirely unnecessary “www.” in the company’s website address.]
Email #2: Trying Too Hard to Connect
SUBJECT: Stay Connected at SAC: [COMPANY NAME] Has You Covered! [idk the benefit of staying connected, and the me-centered last part of this subject doesn’t feel “connected” to the first part.]
Hi Jeff, [A personalized salutation. Kudos!]
At [COMPANY NAME], we [Don’t begin your email message me-centered.] understand the importance of staying connected — whether it’s to top talent, the latest industry trends, or your team. Just as reliable Wi-Fi keeps you linked to the information you need, we ensure your workforce remains strong and well-supported. [OK, that’s a decent benefit. But the Wi-Fi analogy doesn’t do a lot for me.]
Whether you’re looking to fill a key position or need flexible staffing solutions, [COMPANY NAME] is here to help. We provide a reliable connection between you and the workforce that drives your success.
We’d love to keep the conversation going! Stop by booth #xx to chat with our team and explore how we can help with your staffing needs. Let’s connect [You’re really sold on this weak connecting theme.] and find solutions that work for you. [You should anticipate my company may not be hiring by also asking if I know companies who need staffing assistance.]
We are looking forward to seeing you at SAC!
[NAME]
Regional Sales Manager – Southeast [Sales person trying to “sell” me? I wasn’t sold.]
Cell: [NUMBER]
Learn More about our Workforce Solutions [A me-centered call to action? Ugh.]
Email #3: One-Sided Excitement
SUBJECT: Join Us at Southern Automotive Conference – Visit [COMPANY NAME] at Booth xx! [Very me-centered subject line offering zero benefit to the recipient.]
Hello Jeff, [Great! You immediately captured my attention by using my name in the salutation, but then…]
We’re […subsequently immediately lost it with a me-centered start to your message.] excited to announce [Sorry, I’m not excited to learn about this announcement.] that [“that” is a garbage word here, don’t need it. Sentence reads the same without it.] [COMPANY NAME] will be at the Southern Automotive Conference (SAC) from September 30 – October 1, and we invite you to visit us at Booth xx! [Exclamation points are often trite and should be used sparingly. They often communicate one-sided, artificially manufactured excitement.] We’ll be showcasing [PRODUCT NAME], our cutting-edge automotive solution designed to streamline your supply chain, optimize production, and provide real-time visibility into operations. [OK, these are some nice benefits. Why aren’t they front and center?]
As part of the event, we’re thrilled [Glad you are. I’m not.] that [Again, this is word clutter.] [NAME], [COMPANY NAME]’s VP of Automotive Solutions, will be moderating the [PANEL NAME] on October 1st from 4:00 – 5:00 PM [Better way to write this: “…on Oct. 1 from 4-5 p.m.”]. The panel features industry leaders including:
[NAMES]
This is an incredible opportunity [Maybe, but you’ve not convinced me.] to hear from top OEM experts about the current challenges and trends shaping the automotive sector. Don’t miss it! [Two of these three words are negative. Better: “This is a must-attend event!” or “See you there!”]
We look forward to seeing you at Booth 52! [🎶 “Booth 52 where are you?” 🎶 Those that know the reference to an old TV show, will know.]
Best Regards,
[EMAIL SIGNATURE]
Email #4: The Buried Benefit
SUBJECT: Meet at SAC Conference? [Why?]
Hi, [Are you talking to me? I do have a name.]
I’m [NAME], Senior Partner at [COMPANY NAME], and I will be attending the SAC conference in Chattanooga next Monday from Sept 30 to Oct 1. [Thanks for sharing where you’ll be and when. But I’m not your mother so I don’t really care. But do make sure you brush your teeth and are in bed by 10 p.m. every night.]
If you’re attending as well [Umm… why else would I be on the list of registered attendees you received??], I’d love to connect and discuss how [COMPANY NAME]’s digital quality management platform, including our PG Visual Worker Guidance System, can enhance production efficiency and quality.
Our PG solution [What’s “PG” stand for? “Pretty good”? Don’t assume I know all the automotive industry lingo.] for example has helped clients like Porsche, Audi, Knorr Brakes , [There’s an extra space before the comma. If you can’t take care of the little things, how can I expect you to do a good job on the bigger things?] and many others globally by providing step-by-step visual guidance, tool control, and automatic quality documentation. PG tackles quality and efficiency issues typically caused by workforce turnover, production variances, or lack of digital quality transparency.
I’d be happy to discuss offering [This word weakens your offer. Delete it.] a 60-day complimentary trial, customized for a production workflow of your choice, along with a complimentary production line assessment. [Nice benefit here. Too bad it’s buried in your message.]
If any of this resonates with you, how about connecting for a 5-minute chat [Are you setting the timer or am I?] at the SAC?
Best regards,
[NAME ]p.s. [P.S. –] You can also check out what some of our clients say on our website www.[URL].com
[2 full url’s are then listed here (yes, with the https://). It would have been better to write attention-getting headlines hyperlinked to the testimonials.]
Best regards,
[EMAIL SIGNATURE]
[The P.S. and email signature both include the entirely unnecessary “www.” in the company’s website address.]
[Company logo is next to the email signature, then repeated six times at bottom of email. Perhaps they purchased their logo in bulk from Costco?]
Watch for three more emails critiqued in the next post. Warning; The copywriting doesn’t get any better.
The reality of the situation is we’re not all great copywriters. If copywriting isn’t your forte, learn the basics… or hire an expert.
Jeffery E. Pizzino, APR is a spin-free public relations pro who is passionate about telling the why of your story with clarity, impact and authenticity. He began his PR career in 1987 at Ketchum Public Relations in New York City but has spent the majority of his career as a solopreneur. He’s AuthenticityPR’s Chief Authentic Officer and also functions as the fractional CCO for technology startup Converus.
Jeff has an MBA in Management from Western International University and a Bachelor of Arts degree in Communications — with an emphasis in PR — from Brigham Young University. He’s a native of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, but also holds an Italian citizenship. Jeff and his storyteller wife Leticia have four children and four grandchildren. In his extremely limited nonwork hours, he studies italiano, practices guitar, gardens, disc golfs, reads, listens to New Wave music, serves in his church, watches BYU football, and plays Dominion and Seven Wonders. Email Jeff.
