Hope you enjoyed the previous post about four email copywriting disasters.
As promised, I have three more to share with you.
(Again, this is only meant to help teach how to write more powerful, customer-centric copy — not to personally put anyone down.)
OK, let’s take a look at #5-7…
Email #5: An Ampersand Tsunami
SUBJECT: Save [How much?] on [INITIALS OF ORGANIZATION NAME] [What’s this stand for?] Membership during Manufacturing Month [Had no idea Manufacturing Month existed.]
[No salutation? Are you addressing the ether in general?]
Ahead of our highly anticipated Southern Automotive Conference next week in Chattanooga, I wanted to [Why past tense? So you no longer want to after just 15 words into your email message? OK, well thanks for pulling out the carpet from underneath me so quickly.] extend this significantly discounted [You should lead with the amount. “To be specific is terrific” because specifics are more believable.] [INITIALS OF ORGANIZATION NAME] [I still don’t know what this stands for. On the first reference, put the organization’s initials in parenthesis after the spelled out name, then on subsequent references you can use only the initials.] membership opportunity to you and your team.
In recognition of Manufacturing Month (October) , [Extra space before comma.] [ORGANIZATION NAME followed by INITIALS OF ORGANIZATION NAME] [Oh. Now they mention their name after leaving me in the dark at the beginning of the email.] has dropped our annual membership dues to just $399 [From…? How much am I saving?] & [Don’t use ampersands in the body of your email unless it’s how a formal name is written.] is seeking manufacturers & [You already forgot what I said?] leading businesses to help strengthen one of the oldest & [I think you’re ignoring my advice.] largest state manufacturers associations in the country.
Please see the attached application & [Yep, you certainly are.] review the details below to further uncover all that membership offers [Tell me now. Don’t make me work for it.] & [I give up.] can deliver.
Officially , [Another stray space before the comma.] we are {2ND NAME FOR THE COMPANY] [What? You have two company names for the same company? Now I’m curious what you’re unofficially known by.] and also the [Back to using the original NAME OF COMPANY followed by INITIALS OF ORGANIZATION’S NAME] [Split personality? It’s a hard fast rule that no entity can ever be successfully branded by two separate names.]. As such, we serve as the primary voice of business and manufacturing interests on major employment and economic issues facing public policy decision makers in Tennessee. Through our efforts, we work closely with and are frequently engaged at the legislature in matters related to education, workforce development, the environment, public affairs, and other major initiatives affecting your business’s [Delete this last “s.”] bottom line.
Additionally, we oversee the operations of the Tennessee Automotive Manufacturers Association (TAMA), Tennessee Chamber of Commerce Executives, and Tennessee Economic Development Council & [I thought you were cured of this ampersand disease after using “and” FIVE times in the last paragraph.] are the official state affiliate of the US Chamber of Commerce, National Association of Manufacturers, & [Old habits do die hard. Sigh.] American Chemistry Council.
Membership Benefits include, but are not limited to:
[INITIALS OF ORGANIZATION NAME] Marketplace-
Membership Savings & [An ampersand is fine in a subhead.] Services Program
[ORGANIZATION NAME followed by INITIALS OF ORGANIZATION NAME] [Yeah, I know what it stands for. You already told me.] is proud to offer members our TMA Marketplace, a one-stop-shop for manufacturers and businesses looking to save money, access cutting-edge resources, and improve their bottom line. [INITIALS OF ORGANIZATION NAME] has partnered [I think you’re missing the word “with” here.] 24 [INITIALS OF ORGANIZATION NAME] [idk what words you’re missing here. Just throw in a couple &&& — that should fix it.] $399 with leading industry providers [Can you prove this? Everyone says they’re the “leading” this or that in their industry. It’s a very overused, trite claim to make.], offering special discounts to our members. With access to a variety of discounted products and services and savings up to 25% [Now I FINALLY get a specific amount of savings.], your [INITIALS OF ORGANIZATION NAME] membership provides significant value to your company, employees [SUPER impressed you’re following AP Style here by omitting the Oxford comma. Bravo.] and clients.
click here to unlock a world of savings, support, [Whoops. Now you’ve used the Oxford comma in a simple series. See? This is why using a style guide is important! It brings consistency in your writing and helps make you look more polished and professional — even though it’s a nitty gritty detail.] and success for your business.
Events: Networking, Sponsorship, Engagement Opportunities
- Legislative Session Kick-off Reception-January
- Workforce Conference-January
- Annual Meeting-February
- Women in Business April
- TAMA Golf Outing-May
- Civics Bee-May
- Coolest Thing Made in Tennessee-July
- Sustainability Conference-August
- TAMA Southern Automotive Conference-September
- Tax Conference-September
- Chamber Golf Outing-October
- [INITIALS OF ORGANIZATION NAME] Manufacturing Tour-October
- Public Affairs Meeting-November
[I would put the months first, followed by a SPACE EN-DASH SPACE to make this more reader-friendly.]
*Boots N Business Reception [idk what this asterisk is connected to.]
Committees (no-cost, no-obligation):
- HR
- Workforce & Education
- Energy & Environment
-Solid & Hazardous Waste
-Air
-Water
- Tax
- Public Affairs
- Chemistry Industry Council
(professionals meet virtually to discuss key topics, legislation, initiatives)
TOSHA and environmental compliance:
Over 50 Trainings and Seminars scheduled annually-Member discounts availablee [Remember to spell check!]
Communications:
Weekly Look Ahead-Monday communication-
(Members encouraged to submit educational material/case studies)
[INITIALS OF ORGANIZATION NAME] monthly newsletter [With ample ampersands, right?]
Capital Update-Legislative session week in review
Business Insider magazine (2024 edition printing now)
Please feel free to print,complete, [Forgot to put a space before this word, and you’ve used an Oxford comma again. Doesn’t matter if you do or don’t; just be consistent by using one style guide.] and mail the attached form. Or, complete and scan back [Lay down on my back on a scanner and scan it? What?] to me. I can also assist with getting you on board with a phone call, i/f that helps at all. [Missing spacing after this paragraph.]
Thank you for considering & [Not sayin’ anything…] I welcome any questions or concerns you may have, at any time […but I DO have a question AND concern about all the ampersands…].
Wishing you the best & […like this one.] happy to help-
[FIRST NAME]
Engage, Influence, Connect & Contribute [Very strange to have this bold, underlined statement (subhead?) between your first and full name — especially since it’s not hyperlinked.]
[F I R S T N A M E L A S T N A M E is in ALL CAPS, and with a space between each letter. All those extra spaces took me longer to read your name. I could have used all that extra time to learn a new song on my guitar.]
[2ND ORGANIZATION’S NAME, complete with ampersand.] [Welcome to the 9th and final ampersand of this email message! If you were keeping score it was:
Team Ampersand 16
Team And 17
Exciting contest that went down to the wire.] [I thought you were officially known by two company names. Did you just dump the other?]
[PHONE, WEBSITE]
[APPLICATION ATTACHED TO EMAIL] [Not only was this a super long, 520-word email, but there’s also an attachment. Whew.]
Email #6: The Me-Centered Winner
[If there was an award for the most me-centered email marketing message ever written, this email would likely win. The most unbelievable part is where they list six employees of their company and what they do. Read this email and write yours taking the exact opposite approach.]
SUBJECT: [NAME]+ [NAME] at the SAC [Equals what? This very me-centered subject line says nothing about what’s in it for me. DELETE.]
Hello All, [You received a list of attendee names. If you can’t take a few minutes to personalize it with my first name, how can I expect you to put much effort into anything else you do?]
[NAME]+ [NAME] is very excited to be in attendance at the SAC next week. [Woo-hoo! I’m so happy for you. But what you should be doing is getting me excited about reading this email.]
In copy on this email are [Odd, awkward phrasing. Just say, “Copied on this email are…” But why say this at all? Am I not able to see who’s cc’d?] my colleagues [NAME], [NAME], [NAME] and [NAME], all of whom will participate in the SAC in some capacity [Why is this important to me? Why should I care? Well guess what… it means nothing to me.]. Our focus areas are as follows:
- [NAME] and [NAME] are leaders in our Chattanooga assurance practice.
- [NAME] is a senior business advisor based out of our Atlanta office and has supported numerous clients in the manufacturing and distribution space throughout her career.
- [NAME] is a leader in our Atlanta assurance + employee benefit plan audit practices.
- [NAME] (myself) leads S+H’s national Specialty Tax Services practice out of our Atlanta office bringing decades of experience centered around the R&D tax credit and transfer pricing topics.
We are [We’re…Use conversational, reader-friendly English — otherwise you sound like a robot.] looking forward to the opportunity to build relationships and explore together how [NAME] + [NAME] can deliver value for you and your businesses [The first time we see any “you” words are in the penultimate paragraph. That’s a bit late.].
We will [We’ll…] see everyone next week!
Take care,
[EMAIL SIGNATURE]
🔔 We’re Moving On Up to the 21st Floor 🔔
Effective 10/21/2024, our new suite number will be 2100. [And effective 10/23/2024, I’ll be about done with my box of Shredded Wheat. Why do you think your new suite number is important to someone who’s not even a customer, nor a local one at that?]
[COMPANY LOGO]
Stay Connected:
LinkedIn | News + Insights
Email #7: A Hashtag Festival
SUBJECT: [COMPANY NAME] [I was stumped with this word until I scrolled down and saw it was your company’s name. Not a good idea to use a mostly unknown, coined company name in the subject line.] Giveaway!!!
Jeff, [Yay! You personalized the salutation. Nice job.]
Come see us [Before you invite me, you need to sell me on something I might be interested in.] at Booth xx at SAC, GIVEAWAY ALERT! 🎉 We’re excited to announce [You’re excited about your email before I am. First things first.] a special giveaway at the Southern Automotive Conference next week. You could be the lucky winner of this amazing basket [NAME] filled with delightful hashtag#Tennessee [Why is hashtag spelled out before the hashtag symbol? Whoops.] treasures!
What’s inside this fantastic giveaway basket? [idk, but I think you’re about to tell me…]
🥃 Southern Collective Single Barrel Straight Bourbon Whiskey [Missed your mark on this for all those who don’t drink alcohol.]
A distillery known for its commitment to quality and craftsmanship […and DUI’s…], Southern Collective produces premium bourbon that reflects the rich heritage of Tennessee whiskey-making.
🌜 Moon Pies [Are these connected in ANY way with those cows that jump over the moon?]
Founded in 1917 in Chattanooga, Tennessee, Moon Pie is a beloved Southern treat made of two round graham cracker cookies, marshmallow filling, and a chocolate coating.
🌶️ Charcoal Cowboy Rubs
Charcoal Cowboys is a Tennessee-based company specializing in gourmet rubs and seasonings that celebrate the Southern tradition of barbecue. [Now this sounds worthwhile.]
🍏 Loveless Cafe Apple Butter
Loveless Cafe, [At first I thought, “Who would name their restaurant ‘loveless’ because it has a negative connotation??” Then I did some research and learned the cafe was originally opened in 1951 by Lon and Annie Loveless. Thank goodness the founders’ name wasn’t Tasteless.] located in Nashville, is a legendary restaurant known for its homemade biscuits and Southern comfort food. Their apple butter is a fan favorite, made from locally sourced apples. [Cool prize.]
🍫 Olive & Sinclair Chocolate
A Nashville-based chocolate maker, Olive & Sinclair is known for its bean-to-bar process and commitment to using high-quality, local ingredients in its artisanal chocolate bars. [Chocolate! How we’re talkin’!]
🍪 Willa’s Shortbread Cookies
Willa’s Shortbread is a Nashville-based company that specializes in artisanal shortbread cookies made with high-quality [Good job knowing when to use a hyphen,] ingredients and classic Southern recipes.
🌟 Goo Goo Clusters
Invented in 1912 in Nashville, Goo Goo Clusters are a combination of milk chocolate, caramel, marshmallow nougat, and peanuts, [For greater ease in reading and because you’ve already used commas in the complex series, I would use an em-dash instead of a comma here.] making them a classic Southern candy.
🌕 Sugarlands Moonshine Mini’s
Located in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, Sugarlands produces small-batch moonshine and has gained a reputation for its unique flavors and quality craftsmanship, reflecting the region’s rich distilling heritage. [Can those who don’t drink trade this in for something else?]
🍯 TruBee Honey
Based in Tennessee, TruBee Honey specializes in raw, unfiltered honey sourced from local beekeepers, promoting sustainability and supporting local agriculture. [Sweet!]
Visit our booth at the conference to enter for a chance to win this showcase of Tennessee culinary delights. Don’t forget [Those are two negative words. Instead, say “Remember” …] to share your excitement on social media with the hashtag hashtag#SouthernAutoGiveaway! [Really baffled why hashtag is repeatedly spelled out in this email.]
Good luck, and we can’t wait to see you there! 🎉✨
Thank you to our own [NAME] for finding these treasures!
[A true hashtag festival. But why are hashtags even being used in an email? People don’t search for them in emails, unless I’m missing something. Oh, I clicked on one and it took me to a LinkedIn page requesting I follow this hashtag. And below is a LinkedIn post promoting your giveaway. Well, I think a different name for your hyperlink would be far better. What you’ve hyperlinked to isn’t working anyway as no one is following these hashtags. For example:]
hashtag#SAC hashtag#SouthernAutomotiveConference hashtag#Giveawayhashtag#TennesseeTreasures
hashtag#CoolestThingMade hashtag#SouthernCollective hashtag#MoonPie hashtag#CharcoalCowboy hashtag#LovelessCafe hashtag#OliveandSinclairhashtag#WillasShortbread
hashtag#GooGooClusters hashtag#SugarlandsMoonshine hashtag#TruBeeHon
You CAN Write Great Copy
By following basic copywriting principles, your copy (for your emails, website, ads, etc.) can give you a competitive advantage and help your business (or career) scale.
Need your copywriting reviewed? Need help writing copy that sizzles? Contact us.
Jeffery E. Pizzino, APR is a spin-free public relations pro who is passionate about telling the why of your story with clarity, impact and authenticity. He began his PR career in 1987 at Ketchum Public Relations in New York City but has spent the majority of his career as a solopreneur. He’s AuthenticityPR’s Chief Authentic Officer and also functions as the fractional CCO for technology startup Converus.
Jeff has an MBA in Management from Western International University and a Bachelor of Arts degree in Communications — with an emphasis in PR — from Brigham Young University. He’s a native of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, but also holds an Italian citizenship. Jeff and his storyteller wife Leticia have four children and four grandchildren. In his extremely limited nonwork hours, he studies italiano, practices guitar, gardens, disc golfs, reads, listens to New Wave music, serves in his church, watches BYU football, and plays Dominion and Seven Wonders. Email Jeff.
